These are problems Management Parents Shouldn't Have to Face?
(The following are examples taken from Harrison's "Discipline at Home" book. Harrison's comments are enclosed in brackets)
The background: Johnny Jones (called J.J.) is an authoritarian father with Marcia (a permissive parent) as the mother. They have five children! Bruce, age 4; James, age 9; Susan, age 11; Wayne, age 13; and Steven, age 15. The setting is as indicated with each child.
LET'S START WITH BRUCE: The babysitter
arrived promptly and J.J. and Marcia departed shortly thereafter. Bruce,
with the change of authority, decided to test this babysitter's strength
as most children of authoritarian parents usually do.
(To the slaves of authority this seems the normal and
natural route to take. After all, nothing good happens for the slave unless
the master approves, is weak, or is inconsistent. Any of these characteristics
opens a door toward more self-control, the goal of the governed. This is
true for youth and adults alike.)
William, a 14 year-old neighbor lad needing spending
money, was wise in the way of small boys, and smiled pleasantly as he said,
"Well;, Bruce, what would you like to do, play little cars or have me read
to you?"
Bruce looked surprised as he paused to consider this
generous offer. Not used to weighty decisions, he shook his head and replied,
"I don't know." He forgot about his plan to test the authority figure
while William read to him. This lasted for about 15 minutes before Bruce
wanted to take his dog for a walk. William said no because Bruce's parents
didn't want their son outside with a cold.
"Let's play with your little trucks," William suggested
as an alternative and this occupied another 30 minutes.
Bruce patiently waited for William to go to the kitchen
for a drink before slipping out the front door with the dog. William hunted
Bruce for three quarters of an hour without success before phoning J.J. and
Marcia with the bad news.
When J.J. and Marcia arrived back home, Bruce was just
then coming up the front walk with a tight hold on the dog's collar.
"Where have you been young man?" J.J.'s scowl told Bruce
he was in for it now. He hadn't counted on the babysitter calling his dad.
Bruce knew there was little the babysitter could do to enforce his authority,
but his Dad's presence gave the game a whole new set of rules. He began to
cry and immediately searched his agile young mind for avenues of escape,
"Tiger got loose when I opened the front door to see if it was raining still.
I've been chasing him ever since. Honest. Dad."
Bruce cut his crying to sniffles and covertly watched
the effect of his explanation under lowered eyelids. After all, he reasoned,
he wasn't lying. He had opened the door. The dog did dash out and he merely
went after him. Just because the dog had a lot of business in a lot of different
places and it took him awhile to get his hand on the dog's collar wasn't
any reason to get mad.
"But I told you to stay in the house. You know you have
a cold," J.J. glared at his son with fire in his eyes. "And besides, you
caused us to leave the party and scared your mother and I half to death."
Marcia, on her children's side every chance she could
get, jumped to the rescue of Bruce. "Now J.J., that's not exactly so. You
told William but you never told Bruce that he must stay in the house.
Without his wife's support and in view of Bruce's twisted
explanation J.J withheld his proposed physical punishment. Nevertheless,
the situation demanded a good tongue lashing which he delivered before returning
to his evening of enjoyment.
(Think of the difference if Bruce had been self-reliance
trained. Such children don't make it a game of trying to outwit or challenge
the established authority since they have usually had a hand in the
establishment, and therefore, respect it instead. Those who don't, pay the
prescribed penalty with the expectation of doing so.
Further, the child properly trained in self-reliance
doesn't have the opportunity to pit one spouse against the other as frequently
happens in many households.)
NOW LET'S EXAMINE JAMES:
James liked staying overnight
at Grandmother's house. She let him have his own way most of the time. As
she would explain it, "You're on you way to being a big man now so you should
be allowed to act like one."
(Just how this miracle was supposed to come about, without
any assistance, training, or preparation, even Grandmother didn't know. The
kind old lady merely hoped it would happen and then naturally expected the
best as most permissive adults do.)
"I don't really think you should use Uncle Jim's B.B.
gun," Grandmother Smith remonstrated with James as he started out the door.
"The last time you were here you shot a hole in my neighbor's window and
he never brought it to my attention until a week after you left. I didn't
say anything to your father as I know how mad he can get over even little
things, but I really don't think we should take a chance on doing it again,"
she smiled sweetly.
James smiled back. "It's O.K., Gram. I'm only going to
shoot at a target in your back yard and I won't go anywhere else, I
promise."
Well, then I guess it will be all right." The dear old
lady looked worried, but couldn't find another valid reason for firmly saying
no. James didn't wait for her to find one. He was out the door and gone.
(Children of authoritarian parents can be dangerous when
exposed to situations requiring excessive self-reliance. Such children must
have adequate adult supervision to prevent them from injuring others who
are exposed to their judgment.)
Fortunately for Grandmother, James only missed once and
put a hole in another window - her's this time. After all, she congratulated
herself as she took the gun away, it might have been a hole in some other
boy's eye.
James hadn't seen his Grandmother so upset before, and
now she said she wasn't going to take him to the park as she had planned.
Never had he felt more sorry for himself. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea.
What was it his father had said recently when he experienced a bad day? He
talked about drowning his troubles in drink. Well, he knew exactly where
Gram kept this stuff for guest. Why not see if it worked as good as his dad
thought it would?
James had consumed a small water glass full of whiskey
before Grandmother Smith caught him in the act. This was the final straw.
The old lady reluctantly phoned her son-in-law to come and get his drunken
youngster.
(Authoritarian parents must expect their children to
use their father or mother as models in almost everything they do. Not being
self-reliance trained the youngster seldom can make proper decisions for
himself without adult help. So the real problem is that few parents are the
perfect models their children should emulate. For example, how many parents
tell the absolute truth all of the time; never express harmful prejudices;
don't use any alcohol; or refrain from doing the host of other things that
we know children shouldn't? Yet, how can the authoritarian parent look the
other way when he or she sees the same conduct in the child?)
LET' SEE WHAT HAPPENS WITH SUSAN:
Anna's father and mother were so neat, Susan thought, as she watched the
flow of conversation at her girl friend's house. They never got mad and yelled
at their daughter like her father did. And Anna never received any physical
punishment. When asked why, Anna's father laughed and said, "That only brings
out the beast in us." Mr. Longfellow seemed to know exactly the right
words to say all of the time. Susie remembered how easily he could arouse
the perfect emotion in her whenever it was needed. Someday, Susan told
herself, she wanted to be a psychologist just like Mr. Longfellow, then she
wouldn't have to mistreat her children as her father did her.
(Yes, it would be wonderful if all parents could have
psychology training and would use it exclusively, but such thinking is in
the realm of fantasy - training children to be self-reliant is not.)
Mr. Longfellow was discoursing on one of his favorite
subjects - the upbringing of children. "Children should be heard as well
as seen. Too many parents fail to listen to what youth have to say. Susan,
have you been able to get this idea across to J.J. since the last time I
casually mentioned the subject and you became so interested?"
Susan shook her head slowly and looked sad. "At first
he listened because he couldn't believe such ideas were coming out of the
head of an eleven year-old girl. When I told him it was really at your
suggestion, he got mad and said that you ought to mind your own business
instead of his." Susan smiled hoping Mr. Longfellow wasn't going to take
offense.
Mr. Longfellow laughed goodnaturedly and said, "J.J.
was within his rights to say what he did. However, he forgets, getting people
to talk out their problems is my business. And so it's my guess you still
have yours with your father?" He looked inquisitively at Susan.
Susan choked back the tears and poured out her frustration
and anger with a mixture of shame and relief. "He's so unreasonable. I had
to promise to wipe the dishes for a whole week just so I could stay overnight
now with Anna."
"Well, now, Susan, don't cry." Mr Longfellow soothed
"That's not so terrible." Mr. Longfellow brought forth his cheering-up smile.
"Anna helps her mother every night, not only with dishes but getting the
meal as well, and I believe she would be disappointed if she couldn't." He
turned to his daughter for confirmation
Anna nodded. "I really do enjoy fixing new dishes. The
family appreciates my creations so much."
(Children from authoritarian parents seldom feel as much
a part of their family as they should, and could, if they were invited to
participate as equal partners. Instead, each such family member selfishly
view things from the standpoint of how any situation will affect him or her
personally. Working together toward a common goal is the glue the sticks
families together so tightly that an attack on one, or even a problem for
one, is experienced by all.)
"Mother is really nice," Susan continued, "but she feels
she has to go along with what Daddy decides. My brothers and I feel like
slaves since we have no rights, only what my father chooses to give us. And
even with these few privileges, it seems like we want to abuse them just
to spite my father and make him angry."
(All parents could learn much from the candid opinions
of their offspring given to outsiders. Many mothers and fathers would be
rudely shocked if they heard such conversation and might even be moved to
rectify errors before they could grow, which mistakes have a habit of
doing.)
Susan paused to become reflective, her eyes staring blankly
at the wall. If we do anything wrong we either get a chewing out or a spanking.
But we can do a hundred things right and seldom get even a thank you."
(Susan has touched on an important missing ingredient
in the average home - rewards for proper behavior. Busy parents seldom take
the time to issue compliments and after a while habit takes over to eliminate
them all together. It is so easy to habitually complain about what we don't
like and then merely enjoy silently everything that we do.)
TEENAGER WAYNE'S LIFE IS EVEN MORE PROBLEM
COMPLICATED: When Wayne lied and told his father he was
going skating instead of partying at 15 year old Frank Scallini's, he had
felt no shame or remorse. This seemed strange the first time it had happened,
three months ago. It was just as if he had no conscience. Other boys his
age always acted fearful they might be discovered, but from the first he
hadn't seemed to care. This absent emotion bothered him a lot, but his failure
to understand the reason frustrated him even more.
(Conscience is developed through caring about others
and believing that others care about you. When either one is missing the
construction of a conscience is difficult. Persons without a conscience fear
only the punishment if they are caught and never the consequences of their
act toward someone else. They selfishly ask themselves, "What's in it for
me?")
Without any adult chaperone and accepted by 15 year-olds,
Wayne felt really grown up, which he was physically but not mentally. He
lounged against the wall with a mixed drink in his hand - stolen from the
supply of Frank's parents - and watched Betty's pretty blue eyes dance with
enthusiasm as she told about her last date with Ken Madox, the school idol.
"Say Betty," Wayne interrupted. "Have you ever smoked
grass?"
Betty's eyes went wide despite the depressant effect
of the liquor she had consumed. "No, but I always wanted to try it once just
to see what it was like."
"Well, come on into the bedroom, I just happen to have
a joint that Frank gave me tonight to try."
Betty furtively looked at the other half-dozen young
couples in the big living room to see if they had heard. All were busy about
their own business of concentrated conversation, light petting, or
smooching.
Wayne opened the door and Betty moved inside the bedroom.
What happened after this progressed almost as naturally as any reader's
imagination could possible develop it.
(Any person without a conscience constantly carries with
him a weapon just as capable of irreparable harm as any loaded revolver,
possible even more so since it can be used silently without the victim's
knowledge. Too many parents ignore this fact by failing to spend time on
the subject of caring. Probably the reason lies with the difficulty in arriving
at any visible achievement for the effort spent. With daily life as busy
as it is, most adults are hard pressed to properly tend to their own affairs
without taking on the complicated life of each of their youngsters. This
can produce children who feel nobody cares about them. When the child is
self-reliance trained, he recognizes this adult shortcoming and is temporarily
satisfied with a substitute reward. However, even the self-reliant youngster
can't go forever without knowing his parents do care. Remember, conscience
is built in no other way.)
STEVEN'S PROBLEMS GROW WITH HIS AGE AND THE LONGER
MANAGEMENT METHODS ARE USED: Steven's conscience bothered
him as he loaded the last teenage couple into his dad's car. It had been
bad enough snitching the keys, but the worst remorse had come as he actually
backed the Chevy out of the garage. The physical act of borrowing the vehicle
brought home the seriousness of what he was doing.
If his high school friends hadn't made such an issue
of his being afraid, and hadn't goaded him into it, he knew he never could
have generated the courage on this own. Even the fortunate circumstances
of both his parents leaving town on a long distance tractor-trailer haul
couldn't have made him take his dad's car without permission. Now that he
had already violated his parents' trust, he was determined to make it count
for something. He had to show his friends that he could contribute a vehicle
and thereby raise his sense of importance in their eyes.
(When children fail to receive a sense of importance
from family relationships, they usually seek this satisfaction elsewhere
- sometimes at a terrible cost to their parents, society and themselves.
This much sought after human characteristic is very difficult for parents
to supply since its generation in children brings many undesirable complications
in the home. For instance, one child who is made to feel important may cause
his brother or sister to have the opposite emotion. In some cases the effort
can be carried to an extreme with equally disastrous results. And finally,
the time expended to achieve satisfactory results is frequently excessive
and many times falls flat as nothing more than cheap flattery which is instantly
recognizable as such.
The child trained in self-reliance has the opportunity
to earn his own self-importance which is recognizable and acceptable by all
household members, as will be explained shortly.)
Steven objected when one of the other two couples produced
a whiskey bottle and began taking swigs. It was one thing to go to a dance
in a stolen car, he thought, and quite another to arrive there drunk or maybe
even worse - dead. His remonstrations fell on deaf ears until, finally, he
was shamed into silence by the rest. Fortunately, no one became inebriated
until they were on the way home. Steven had finally relaxed sufficiently
to take a few swigs after persistent urgings.
The other car seemed to come out of nowhere and Steven
awakened in a hospital bed, his parents beside it anxiously awaiting his
return to consciousness.
(Children raised in an authoritarian atmosphere are easily
led astray and have difficulty leading others without outside training. Common
sense should make parents realize this and not be surprised when their children
fall under the influence of the undesirable.)
Fortunately no one was seriously injured in Steven's
accident and all were back in school on the following Monday. But J.J. never
let his son forget that he had betrayed his trust and , therefore, should
expect none to be advanced in the future. If he had merely let it stand with
this, things might have been different. Instead, J.J. kept harping on the
subject with the thought that repetition would hammer home a desire for
improvement. As might be expected, exactly the opposite effect was
achieved.
Steven began to drink with his friends more and more
until he acquired a taste for liquor and then finally the habit. After J.J.
had found him drunk on the street one night, he instituted even more repressive
measures.
(Such retaliation is typical with the authoritarian because
of a fixation that the reason for non-compliance is that the force was
insufficient.)
Steven was restricted to the house on evenings and weekends.
J.J. insisted that the boy deliver his paper route earnings to him for a
careful reimbursement which allowed no spending money for personal items.
(J.J.'s cure reminds one of early medical practices when
doctors were convinced that blood letting was the remedy for most illnesses.
An anemic patient would be bled to death with the absolute conviction that
death, when it eventually came, was caused by the inefficient doctor's failure
to bleed the patient sufficiently.)
Finally, Steven could take no more and ran away. J.J.
fumed for a week until his son was returned by the police. The next day J.J.
contacted juvenile authorities and had his son committed to an institution
over the violent objections of his wife. However, even this was not done
before he had taken his belt to the 15 year-old boy, cementing his son's
hatred of him and all authority figures.
Steven finished his education as a hard-core delinquent
and graduated into the growing society of criminals. Meanwhile, J.J. wrung
his hands in despair at home as he told his wife it wasn't
their fault since they had done all they could for the ungrateful
scamp. And the reader might possibly agree, J.J. had certainly done too much,
without allowing Steven the tiniest bit of self-reliance.
(If this sad story only stopped here it would be bad
enough, but too many J.J.'s in this world proceed from one child to
the next in the household and learn nothing from each example. Sometimes
the parents' frustrations drive them to even greater cruelties that make
headlines in newspapers. The real tragedy is that most of this might be prevented
with a little self-reliance training and some practical use of common sense
psychological techniques possessed by everyone. I'll prove it to you
shortly.)
Hopefully these examples have caused you to realize that the same thing might happen in your household (or classroom, if you are a teacher) - if you continue using management methods. So, change to self-management methods today! It's so easy to do. Merely click on:
http://www.behaviormodsuperkids.com