What does a child-management expert have to say?
Dr. Sylvia
Rimm, whom parents all across America know and trust from
her past appearances as a child-care expert on NBC's Today show, from her
call-in show on public radio, from her syndicated column, and from her clinic,
indicates the following information in her interesting book called "Dr.
Sylvia Rimm's Smart Parenting - How to Raise a Happy Achieving Child," published
by Crown Publishers, Inc. NY, in 1996. (To avoid copyright infringement all
info from the book has been paraphrased by Harrison).
Like most conscientious child-management experts,
Dr. Rimm - after having studied many similar situations during her extensive
education - advises parents in her book to logically and properly manage
their children similar to what most qualified psychologists, advocating
child-management methods, would normally advise.
Dr. Rimm gives good advice for a psychologist - except
that most parents are usually ordinary people and not highly
educated psychologists. Ask yourself this: What parents, seeking
her advice, can remember exactly what they have been taught to
say or do in every complicated situation? Moreover, how many parents placed
in such an excessively emotional problem-situation could think so logically,
calmly, and clearly as Dr. Rimm advises? Truly, it's questionable if Dr.
Rimm, herself, could do so. Some examples from the book follow.
The knowledgeable doctor advises parents to manage their
children in terms of an inverted V. This means they should avoid excesses
in the beginning, such as too much empowerment, too much praise, too severe
penalties, and etc. As the child gets older, more liberty and power
can be offered to the child. However, in no case should parents treat
young children as adults. This causes too many problems.
Parents must emphasize the positive rather than the negative.
Also adults must be careful of what is said or even referenced - within
the child's hearing. Moreover the adult must be watchful that no child's
feelings are hurt or abused. If the wrong word is spoken a correction is
needed immediately before unhealthy emotions can fester or become a
problem.
Child-management parents must walk a fine line between
creating a child who exhibits excessive dependence or too much dominance.
Either one causes problems. The trick for parents is to look for and recognize
symptoms of each such behavior in the child and then to make the
proper corrections which will eliminate the excess. The end goal is to create
"achievers" (in other words - "Superkids") who are neither dependent nor
dominant. Evidently, such kids love to learn, and are self responsible,
self motivated, self disciplined, self-managed, etc. In other words, the
children are usually devoid of problems for adults.
Dr. Rimm emphatically states that adults must not do
things for children which they can learn to do for themselves or else
self-confidence and independence disappear. On the other hand, parents
must not allow too much independent power for fear that it will be abused
and become habitual. In other words the child-manager must again walk
an agonizingly fine line to be successful. However, Dr. Rimm also tells
parents they must not ask kids if they'll please do something that's
expected of them. Instead, the adult should demand performance in no
uncertain terms.
Nevertheless, in spite of the need for firmness, great
finesse must also be exercised by the managing adult in making
any demand. Arguments or, especially, a perpetual battleground must be avoided
at all costs. Readers are cautioned to be in charge of their kids and to
be a proper leader at all times. So, again, a fine line is required
to avoid excesses or many problems may occur. The observant reader might
also discover that Dr. Rimm carefully avoids pointing out that a failure
to follow her directions may require the further help of a
psychologist - who, like Dr. Rimm, stands ready to provide it - for
a significant fee.
Dr. Rimm says that children seldom understand their emotions,
thoughts and even motivations, in-depth, until late adolescence. Of course,
upon reading of Dr. Rimm's book, this may seem normal and natural
if you are a management inclined person or a psychologist. Such
manager-instructors think in terms of "Achievers" or "Superkids" who are
properly and thoroughly managed - instead of actually self-managed
humans. In other words, Dr. Rimm reveals that what is "right" is often
defined by a reward or punishment the child receives from the
manager. It helps if the managing adult, according to Dr. Rimm, attempts
to remember and use, as a management guide, whatever he or she learned was
motivational as a child.
Dr. Rimm reveals that Dr. Kohlberg (a famous psychologist)
believes that the moral child becomes so by way of adult rewards and punishments.
Dr. Rimm believes these should be sparingly used to achieve a
"bull's-eye" composed of intrinsic rewards (learning for the sheer joy of
learning). Any and all rewards or punishments should lead toward the bull's-eye
and the acquirement of an achieving child (a "Superkid"). Moreover, such
achievement should be possible by utilizing proper child-management methods
as advocated by Dr. Rimm. In other words, the managing adult should expect
the manager's pleasure or disappointment to be sufficient reward or punishment
for the child to accomplish most of the motivation required.
Instead of using much in the way of extrinsic (external)
rewards or punishments (such as valuable points, tokens or
money), Dr. Rimm indicates, the managing adult should use management
methods recommended by child-management experts, such as Dr. Rimm. This can
be adult pleasure or disappointment expressed by the manager to the
child. For example: Use reasoning, praise, and conversation with the child.
Also the adult must become calm and never over emotional. And, the adult
manager must utilize "time-outs" for punishment.
Naturally, if the child refuses to willingly comply with
the manager's methods or time-outs, more parental stress, work, arguments,
annoyance, and plain agony must be expected and endured.
Meanwhile, lots of patience must be exercised until
the child, on his own, finally comes around to the adult manager's way of
thinking - which should happen fairly soon, according to Dr.Rimm.
Although Dr. Rimm doesn't specifically say so, the child-
management-parent must also face a realization: What else can be done? Many
knowledgeable people know that physical punishment can generate
more problems than it solves. And, as a final reminder, Dr. Rimm says the
child-management-parent must never become angry and enter into a power struggle
with the child. Nor must the adult fail to support another rational child-manager
(such as a teacher or spouse) - unless proven facts substantiate
doing the reverse.
There you have it! Your choice as a successful child-management parent requires that you become a "SUPERPARENT!" Moreover, to be even "roll-the-dice-successful," you will need to become not only a constantly practicing expert psychologist; but also an all wise human being with forever calm emotions; have nerves of steel; possess an unlimited work ethic and the memory of an elephant; be created with God-like decision-making abilities; and, finally but not least, be able to constantly manage the child wherever he or she goes or else pray to God that another "Super-person" is immediately available to manage your child..
OR, YOUR OTHER CHOICE IS TO USE:
Stressless and effortless Self-Accountability methods as detailed at www.behaviormodsuperkids.com
NOW LET'S LOOK AT SOME COMPARISONS BETWEEN:
CHILD-MANAGEMENT VS. SELF-MANAGEMENT METHODS
The best comparison lies with an examination of a few parent's questions and Dr. Rimm's answers among the many contained in her book. When self accountability methods are applied instead of Dr. Rimm's solutions, the improvement caused by self-managed kids should seem startlingly obvious to anyone. Automatically, stress, and work disappear for the adult - while the results create true "Superkids!" See for yourself!
A Nonmaterialistic Mom states that her kids receive good grades. However, they have asked for rewards like their friends get. The Mom isn't certain this is a good idea!
Dr. Rimm says: Achievers
don't need rewards. They enjoy achievement for its own sake. Parental praise
is sufficient. If the children persist? Say either "I'll give you a reward
so long as you realize you'd do the work even without it." Or, "It's better
to eliminate rewards but maybe I might get you one and we could work out
a method for you to earn it."
Dr. Rimm goes on to say that "shared enthusiasm"
is the best motivator and generates a "love of learning." However, the doctor
also admits this may be difficult for a work-a-day parent at the end
of a hard day, but she says the results will be worth it.
Harrison: Can you imagine
any employer offering his or her employee such nonsensical
motivational information when the individual either comes to work or
is urged to improve his effort? Why train future employable humans this way?
Such nonsense is a perfect education for a future managed society
rather than an industrious and free America!
Of course humans should enjoy things intrinsically
(for the shear love of it) or for the praise they might expect to receive.
However there will be many times in a lifetime when this isn't offered,
available, or even possible - as a child or as an adult. The earning
of a valuable scorekeeper can keep the child at a worthy
but distasteful task - as it does adults who earn dollars.
For duties which are shirked by children,
a democratically devised valuable- scorekeeper-fine is the answer (similar
to what American courts use with adult lawbreakers). This effectively
and automatically eliminates stress and work for any manager (advisor, if
you're a self-management parent) and greatly improves
consistent results. The reason, obviously, is because the self
accountable individual knows that he must come for advice or else he'll
be automatically deprived of something he values and can't buy in the future
(delayed gratification). This places the responsibility where it belongs
- on the individual involved.
Look at our adult life for a guide! If the child or an
adult believes the reward isn't worth it or the punishment for failure to
perform not severe enough, he or she knows the consequences and
self-reliantly acts accordingly. Isn't this perfect training for life,
under the Rule of Law, as it should be lived in a free rather than a
managed society?
An aggravated parent asks: What happens if you require the child to go to his locked "time-out" room and he starts to kick the door and throws objects inside his room? What's the proper action for the parent? Ignore it or use force to stop it?
Dr. Rimm says: The
locked time-out room is designed to give parents and the child a feeling
that the parent is truly in charge. So, the parent shouldn't respond,
either verbally or physically. Wait calmly for a timed period and then let
the child out without comment. The rascal may or may not pick up his mess.
If he doesn't, the parent should do so later - again without comment. The
result will be that it probably won't happen again. Next time
the parent may not need to even lock the door.
Soon, the rascal will realize that the parent is in charge.
Then, only a warning may be necessary to achieve results,
if the parent is consistent.
Dr. Rimm feels that the in-charge parent who provides
time-outs actually favors the too powerful child. Such advised
action is preferable to any other physical punishment employed with strong-willed
youngsters. She states that time-outs are responsible and not abusive.
Harrison: Please try
to imagine the situation as it exists. The parent is asked to calmly sit
by while such a powerful rascal may be destroying a bedroom. Then the same
parent may be forced to endure the same thing the next time.
Also, what happens when a time-out is needed while away from home? Fortunately,
the next question and answer covers this!
Instead of suffering such agony, a "Harrison System"
child or parent would never be placed in such a time-out situation. A Superkid
obeys the rules he helped to make! If he doesn't, he suffers the prescribed
fine in valuable points and additionally pays for any damage he has
caused by losing points from his "Bank Account"- just like we adults do in
real-life. Meanwhile, the adult may sympathize and even cry right along with
the child as the Harrison System consistently forces the authority to
take the prescribed "valuable points."
Ask yourself this: Do you really want to
have to manage your children? Forever? Isn't a self-managed
child who knows he is self accountable and must pay for all of his mistakes,
and, therefore, must come to you for advice, much preferable to any fleeting
feeling of superiority you may receive as a child-management expert? If you
still don't think so, examine the next question and answer.
A Feeling-Overpowered-Parent asks Dr. Rimm this: What happens when a strong-willed boy acts up whenever he isn't at home and a time-out room isn't available?
Dr. Rimm says: The
powerful child seems to know when he has the advantage, so the parent must
be prepared in advance to offer a tiny reward. As a good management
parent, explain to the child, using praise where possible and specific directions
where needed, that you know he wants to behave and to be helpful
to you. If he agrees to do this, tell him he will receive a previously specified
reward. But, if he doesn't perform satisfactorily - he gets no reward! Then
the parent must be consistent and follow through and also put the rascal
in time-out when everybody gets home.
If by chance you are at a relative's or friend's house,
use their time-out room. However, be careful, don't do so if you think your
child will tear it up. If you decide on using an at-home time-out, later,
don't specifically say so. Keep the rascal wondering what you will do. It's
more effective. And, finally, view such situations as a challenge which will
eventually turn into a joy. Keep realizing that the rascal, no
matter what happens, is still your son and that you will eventually
"reach the sweet kid."
Harrison: Dr. Rimm's
answer may seem like no answer at all - to a frustrated management parent
with an uncontrollable rascal needing immediate chastisement away from home.
Ask yourself this: In good conscience, how can
a management parent be asked by an expert psychologist
to bribe the child to behave? Isn't this exactly the reason
most child-management experts abhor extrinsic motivation? At
least that is what most of them say. Yet, common sense should tell anyone
that such an inconsistency can be expected, excused, and
even explained - when no other answer by the
psychologist seems possible. After all, the parent's
payment for a solution by the psychologist
requires an acceptable and workable answer! The mere inconsistency of
a managing parent providing the motivation rather than the "rule of
law" (which requires self-management and self-reliance instead of a
psychologist's expensive advice) should seem to be of little consequence
and, hopefully, overlooked. In other words, when the psychologist's "bread
and butter" is at stake even unthinkable things are possible.
After having read this far, perhaps you may be wondering
why intelligent parents would ever utilize child-management methods,
initially, and then universally continue to do so after discovering
how harmful they are? If so, wonder no more! The explanation lies with the
nature of human beings.
Humans are inclined to be: leisure oriented;
authoritarian; apt to take the line of least resistance; and, finally, creatures
of habit. Thus, child-management methods seem to be the proper
choice by parents for training children - especially in the
beginning. Let's see why!
As a baby, Junior needs constant attention and control.
As he grows older, it's human to continue that control, especially when the
parent's management seems to work fairly well, and, when it gives the
adult-manager a feeling of pride and even superiority. Finally, a day comes
when Junior has a driving need to think for himself and has had little training
in trying to do so. At such time, the problems begin and continue to
grow. Stress and work multiply!
Instead of trying to change, during such troubled times,
parents (being human) habitually continue to use management methods. These
are often the hidden but governing reasons that they do: Most management
parents have little knowledge of how to go about making a change from management
to self-management methods and need detailed help - which is not readily
available. On the other hand, there are many eager psychologists, though
expensive, who want to assist. And, finally, by the time the problems have
become so intense as to force a change, Junior has so many bad habits cemented
in place that self-management methods take too long to become effective for
the dire needs of most parents. The result is that the managing parent
often throws up his or her hands in disgust and tells Junior to "go
play on the freeway of life by himself in a dangerous world." Thus, society
inherits Junior as a big problem and parents become broken hearted and
disillusioned with child-rearing.
So, logically, start early using the Harrison System
with your family. Everything will work in reverse from management methods.
For example: It may seem to be hard to get started. At first
there is more work, more stress, and few results. Soon, things
gradually reverse and everything gets better and better.
TRY IT AND SEE FOR YOURSELF!
IN CONCLUSION:
Basically, one of the major and vital differences
between management and self-management methods, utilized with children,
lies with the Harrison System's ability (when properly used) to eliminate
the "need for guilt!"
Please notice the emphasized word - need! Neither the
adult nor the child needs to feel guilty. When the child helps to
make the rules and then violates them, neither he, his parents, nor his teacher
should feel guilty. They had no hand in the management of the youngster.
The child makes the decision (hopefully, after seeking the best advice) -
knowing full well the consequences - and then he pays the prescribed
penalty or garners the sought reward. No management methods nor
guilt needs to be involved! Thus no stress, work, nor guilt for adults
and perfect training for children who hope to live in a self
responsible free-world.
Remember: Management methods reek of guilt! Unless
physical force, earned praise, or logic are available and utilized, the major
motivator becomes guilt. The child is made to feel guilty if he doesn't perform
as expected and then afterward the adult may feel guilty for having
caused such an emotion and especially when an error is
made. So management-method users are constantly stressed, overworked,
and the recipient of "guilty" roll-the-dice results.
Thus, it's as the title of this article says! It's PARENT'S CHOICE: Management Agony or Self-Managed "Superkids?"