GUILT-PROOF PARENTING
Readers of this web site are encouraged to either purchase or go to their public library and read an excellent book called "Guilt-Proof Parenting (How to be a better parent through those tough teen years)" written by Dr. Priscilla de Garcia & Robert Wolenik, published by Writer's Digest Books, Cincinnati, Ohio & Copyrighted in 1988.
"Dr. Priscilla Partridge de Garcia is a marriage,
family and child counselor/therapist in Southern California. In addition
to maintaining a large private practice, she also gives more than 100 lectures
nationwide each year on such topics as assertiveness, creative divorce, creative
listening, handling stress, and body and self-image; she teaches on these
same topics at local colleges; is a weekly regular on KTIE TV in Santa Barbara;
and has her own radio talk show. She is the mother of five children.
"Robert Wolenik is the author/coauthor of fifty-three
books on subjects ranging from business to computers to sports, and is the
father of three children."
THE PREVIOUS INFORMATION WAS QUOTED FROM THE BOOK'S JACKET.
The following information from "Guilt-Proof Parenting" has been paraphrased by Harrison to avoid copyright infringement and to provide interpreted meaning as to what Dr. Garcia has said in the book.
The book's jacket indicates prospective readers can eliminate destructive feelings of guilt caused by conflicts between the parent & child. The contents of the book explain why parents should not consider themselves the cause of their children's behavior. Kids aren't perfect and do make their own mistakes. These errors reflect upon the children's own personalities rather than the adult's. Dr. de Garcia tells the reader of the book to love the kids with their mind as well as their heart. In other words, don't let emotions get in the way of common sense and logic. Avoid emotionally false guilt which may prevent proper and logical solutions.
So what does cause the most trouble for most parents? The jacket indicates that Dr. de Garcia feels pressure from peers; rivalry among siblings; and children's attitudes which are self-centered and not outgrown are only some of the many problems discussed in the book. The reader will learn how to recognize and prevent such problems from causing destructive guilt. Once the causes of misbehavior are recognized, remedies are available. Suggestions in the book for "Guilt-Proofing" such parents can then be utilized.
The information on the jacket ends with a sage bit
of advice. After reading the book, parents will then refuse to absorb false
advice "and start taking positive steps toward more effective parenting."
The reader can follow the book's seventeen steps to eliminate guilt
and to deal effectively with teenagers. When this is accomplished, responsible
and happy children along with guilt-free parents are the results.
Dr. de Garcia is very correct. Parents should be
"Guilt-Proof" individuals who want to create proper solutions
which are not irrational or emotionally driven. However, this is
very difficult to achieve so long as the children remain managed by the adults
involved. The normal adult who directs the activities of children
automatically thinks that the responsibility for outcomes
remain with the deviser. Face it, adults gladly accept praise if their parenting
skill is admirable. Thus, admitting adult guilt for errors also seems
logical to most humans. To reverse this thinking is almost beyond human ability
- unless the person operates under a "Tough-Love" principle. And even
here, the guilt can be huge, despite possibly achieving immediately
satisfying results. The reason is that long term
"Tough-Love" solutions are often very unsatisfactory. When this happens
it makes the guilt even more unbearable.
When children are easily made "self accountable" as they are when using the "HARRISON SYSTEM," parents and teachers become truly "Guilt-Proof!" Every System Child, as well as the adult involved, knows that each individual youngster is solely accountable and responsible for his or her own mistakes. Moreover, both the child and parent know the penalty for each infraction of the rule before it's broken. Thus, guilt can't appear. A further reason lies with the fact that the child and the adult also automatically know that the youngster should and could have come to the proper authority for the best available advice before making a mistake. So this brings into sharp focus the long term advantage of the Harrison System: Little management is required & little guilt is a factor!
Not only does the adult's guilt disappear, using the Harrison System, but the results become superior for the children. Face it, one must logically believe that the long-term self accountability, self responsibility, self-control and self anything involved must mean just that. The individual's actions are automatically under the control of the individual taking the action and not some manager. When the child believes so and becomes an adult, habits formed as a youngster take over automatically. The world now has a superior citizen in every respect and little guilt is involved or needed. When management comes into the picture, the reverse can happen and usually does - much to the delight of a few expensive managers who hope they will be paid to suggest a workable solution.
Let's once again utilize the questions and answers from a couple of America's most influential child-care authorities to show a few problems along with the management expert's advice for each solution. Next, we will describe how easy and much more effective a Harrison System solution would occur. We will paraphrase information from the following two books of well known authorities on child-management.
This book was published by Clarkson N. Potter, Inc., New York, in 1988. The following material is paraphrased by Harrison to avoid copyright infringement and to provide an interpreted meaning as to what Dr. Ames has said in the book.
The book's jacket states that Dr. Ames is an associate director of the Gesell Institute of Human Development. She is coauthor of the highly successful series of books "Your One-Year-Old to Your Ten-to- Fourteen-Year-Old," as well as "Child Behavior" and "Infant and Child in the Culture of Today." She also writes an advice column for parents for the New Haven Register.
The 11th Problem: A 6 year-old who is Rebellious
A former darling 5 year-old-boy has, without cause, suddenly turned into a 6 year-old-monster. When the parent asks her son, David, to do something his reply is "No, I won't!" or "Try and make me!" He talks mean to his mother and tells her to get a job instead of staying home and bothering him. Or, he says he hates her. Then at night he apologizes and says he really loves her and doesn't mean what he says. The parent asks Dr. Ames if this is normal behavior.
A Management Solution:
Dr. Ames suspects that this is a typical and normal situation for a 6 year-old and not the parent's fault. Such a child of this age is often self-centered and will fight with parents to get his way, especially with the mother. So parents should try to stay calm and give the child an extra chance or two to obey. A countdown to obey is in order, or change the subject, or even a subtle bribe can be sparingly utilized for compliance. Often praise works. Dr. Ames states: "You can manage a six-year-old. It just takes vast patience and considerable skill." The Doctor thinks temporary separation from the child might work, but the best solution is to "have a few good tricks up your sleeve." Although she doesn't say explicitly what they are.
"OUR ALTERNATE SELF RESPONSIBLE SOLUTION:"
Can any reader of this web site imagine paying BIG
money for such a solution? However, to do justice to Dr. Ames, she has supplied
the ONLY solutions possible - as a proper child-management counselor.
Truly, the abusive, strictly authoritarian, or "Tough-Love" parent/advocate
could supply some other much more drastic solutions which
might result in immediate compliance. However, they might also
- eventually - do terrible damage in the future.
As a "System" child, David would be conditioned to be
truly self accountable and self-controlled. So, no such words would be used
nor defiance exhibited. If they did, David and his parents would know
the consequences or penalty beforehand and then have it consistently
and justly applied. Moreover, a lasting and satisfying lesson would
be learned by David for the future - without guilt, stress, and any
drastic damage or emotional outburst! Now ask yourself:
Isn't this a perfect way to train kids to live in a Free World?
The 12th Problem: Discipline Suggestions for a Family of Six
We've got four kids. 2 years through 12 years, none of which really mind us. We know, since you don't know our family, that specific suggestions for improvement will be difficult for you. However, we would appreciate any you might care to give, except for reading a book. My husband and I aren't readers.
A Management Solution:
Dr. Ames offers a few general suggestions. First,
to have discipline in a family, the kids and the parents must "like and respect"
each other. Next the parents must set a good example for their children.
Concentrate on important rather than minor things that happen. Be consistent!
Don't threaten - instead, actually do what the previously stated rules or
consequences demand. Parents must not undermine the authority of each
other. And, act in accordance with your personality and the personality of
each individual child.
Normally, proper family management requires "little actual
punishment." Yet, some punishment is usually required.to keep children
"in line and make them feel secure." Begin with a discipline program on one
child at a time. Select the "best" child first since this will provide
the most success and encouragement, despite the fact that this may seem unfair.
However, remember to accept whatever success is offered rather than
thinking you will easily reform all four.
"OUR ALTERNATE SELF RESPONSIBLE SOLUTION:"
Any parent or teacher properly using the
"Harrison System"
would automatically have self disciplined and self motivated children without
problems, stress, work, or guilt. The System child who rebelled or defied
authority would automatically know that he or she would suffer the
previously prescribed penalty or consequence. Again, ask yourself this: Isn't
such a "think-for-himself" and self accountable child really more perfect
for a free society such as America? Or, would you rather train your child
to forever need more & more management like the kids of Nazi Germany
did? And finally, think of the cost to society for such a mistake.
ON BROTHERS & SISTERS
The 13th Problem: Children that Fight
The first parent asks for advice which will stop three children from fighting, constantly. The parent has tried everything but nothing works. The kids act like they hate each other.
The second parent states that the kids "fight all the time" and requests helpful advice on discipline.
A Management Solution:
Dr. Ames advises the First Parent to try "the six S"s of harmonious family living" which are: a. Separate the kids; b. Space must be provided for kids; c. Schedule naps & etc. differently; d. Something interesting for kids to do must be provided; e. Supervise children more often; and, f. Surprise for the other parent should be planned by the kids & a parent which involves treating each other nicely. However, Dr. Ames admits that "There is no real magic remedy for all this fighting." It's normal, natural and inevitable!
The Second Parent is advised to: 1. Set a "timeout" timer to calm things; 2. Remove privileges when rules are broken; 3. Remove the object which caused the fight; 4. Physically stop the fight; 5. Channel aggression into constructive things; 6. Avoid the kids attention seeking "power plays." 7. When "whose turn" is involved, have the children randomly pick numbers; 8. Try to stop fights before they start; 9. Isolate aggressive kids or even the parent if he or she gets emotional; 10. Use praise profusely and communicate this properly when everything goes well - and even when it doesn't. This prevents attention seeking by the kids; 11. Suggest different activities; and finally; 12. Teach your kids to use words instead of violence.
"OUR ALTERNATE SELF RESPONSIBLE SOLUTION:"
After reading this far, the reader should be open to almost any constructive change from management methods which are so obviously filled with problems, stress, work, and guilt. The Harrison System is a self-management program which is simple and easy to implement. Fighting among System children is always calmly and stresslessly remedied similar to the lawful redress that occurs with adults. The "Rule of Law" and the "Court System" eliminate the need for violence of any kind. So, violence disappears if the children are wise. Those who aren't, "wise-up" quickly and calmly!
ON GIFTED
CHILDREN
The 14th Problem: How Can the Gifted Be
Educated
The First Parent relates: They have a very bright girl in first grade which the school suggests should be in second grade. It seems that Amanda excels at most things now. They want to know Dr. Ames's opinion on the transfer.
The Second Parent indicates: The school tells them that their son, Gilbert, with an IQ of 142, is a genius. So they feel the keen responsibility of needing to do something very special with him. They ask Dr. Ames what the future holds for such kids.
A Management Solution:
For the First Parent, Dr. Ames reveals that acceleration, segregation and enrichment are the popular ways used for academically stimulating gifted children. Dr. Ames favors enrichment using "independent projects" in or after school. Some projects can be independently pursued through reading, writing, gardening, music, handicrafts, television, etc.
Acceleration or even segregation is not necessarily popular with Dr. Ames since she feels that children do best with the kids of their own age and interests. Enrichment should be available and provided in the mainstream classroom. It's as one mother of a gifted child has revealed to Dr. Ames: This enthused mother indicated that her gifted boy is automatically, emotionally, and naturally interested in everything. He's like a sponge. Her son, she believes, would learn in spite of the teacher.
For the Second Parent, Dr. Ames indicates
that the parents should stay calm and provide proper enrichment
wherever and whenever possible.
As to what the future holds for the gifted, Dr. Ames
reveals information from the book, of a former Quiz Kid, Ruth Duskin
Feldman, called "What happened to the Quiz Kids." Feldman's findings reveal:
Nothing unusual happened. The Quiz Kids grew up as well adjusted humans
with ordinary happiness and success. Dr. Ames points out that the U.S.
has 2 million kids with an IQ of 140 or better. Dr. Ames also indicates IQ
by itself doesn't make one a genius. True prodigies are seldom found. Dr.
Ames then goes on to reveal that Mrs. Feldman thinks skipping a grade for
the bright child made things for some Quiz Kids more difficult. Mrs.
Feldman indicates that to be considered a "brain" among normal people has
it's drawbacks.
"OUR ALTERNATE SELF RESPONSIBLE SOLUTION:"
If you will click on
The Harrison System
you will soon discover that the gifted child receives enrichment
and is utilized - inside the mainstream classroom - as
Dr. Ames recommends. For example, the System's bright students can
now earn a student teachership for the purpose of reinforcement
instruction in each major subject taught. Five pupils receive immediate
assistance from each student teacher, after the adult teacher has taught
the initial lesson. Thus, much larger classes can be taught at great
monetary savings with pupils learning faster and a lot more than customary.
Each gifted student teacher has an enriched education.
The gifted student teacher rapidly learns that he
or she is greatly appreciated for all humanitarian, leadership and citizenship
qualities exhibited. And, every pupil in the classroom knows why
the student teacher must always thoroughly understand the subject when
it's first taught by the adult teacher. The embarrassment of not knowing
when his or her five students ask for help will shame any student teacher.
And, finally, and perhaps the most important, the adult teacher eliminates
problems, stress and work all day long while the classroom's pupils go off
the chart academically and learn to be "Superkids" in a free
America.
ON TEENAGERS
The 15th Problem: They Enjoy Friends Rather than Family! Household Problems?
The First Parent, a mother of two boys and two girls believed she and her husband had an ideal family who did most things together. However, now the two oldest, one thirteen and fourteen, prefer the company of their friends instead of the family. This hurts deeply.
The Second Parent complains that her 13-year-old-daughter, Elena, causes many problems and heartaches. She acts like the other children and her parents in the family are "dreadful people." Life with Elena is a constant battle. She won't help with housework and is frequently disrespectful. It's difficult to not be angry at her. Elena seems to want our anger. She constantly wants to argue and won't take no for an answer. Truly, "she is impossible."
A Management Solution:
For the First Parent: Dr. Ames feels this is normal behavior for teenagers. They no longer need parents as playmates. However, "they are still fully aware of what you stand for." Parents values are an intricate part of their children's values. It's very normal for children to grow away from parents as they get older. So parents shouldn't be unhappy or cause their kids to feel guilty.
For the Second Parent: Dr. Ames feels
that time is on the parents' side. Elena seems, to Dr. Ames, to be a
typical girl for her age. If the parents are fortunate and development is
normal, marked improvement should occur at fourteen. Nevertheless, the child
will still be fearful of parental embarrassment around peers.
Dr. Ames suggests that the parents be patient and passive.
Avoid the battles! Despite, perhaps, a feeling that parental duties
are being shirked, the child certainly knows what she is doing wrong.
Reminders aren't needed! Girls go through this unpleasant stage first - then
boys. Since boys can be more physical while girls are more verbal and emotional,
fathers rather than mothers often suffer more at this stage of the children's
growth.
So, create a few house rules. Infractions should be dealt
with weekly rather than daily. Again, don't engage in battles. Chances are
pretty good Elena will eventually turn out OK.
"OUR ALTERNATE SELF RESPONSIBLE SOLUTION:"
As you can see from Dr. Ames's answers, there is little a management parent can do to properly control or even guide teenagers - except to let time take its course. On the other hand, a child raised in a proper System Household belongs to a "Family Council" which welds the whole family together. It's all for one or one for all! As stated before, problems, stress and work disappear. However, the System also creates "think-for-themselves," self accountable humans who also respect the rights of others. Any such child who doesn't properly behave pays the prescribed penalty and understands exactly how and why he or she will suffer in the future. Delayed Gratification is an intricate part of the System which is also the controlling factor with adults (and sorely missing with management methods). Points (or dollars) lost or not earned will deny a person some future gratification and this SOON deters immediate misbehavior - automatically.
ON SMOKING, DRINKING AND DRUGS
The 16th Problem: Amount of Drug Use and at What age?
Parents have a 10-year-old son and a 12 year old daughter which they worry about in regards to drug use and drinking. They have heard frightening tales about the subjects. They would like to know what is the truth? And, what can they do?
A Management Solution:
Dr. Ames uses a questionnaire she sent to over a 1000
kids from coast to coast for a reply. She indicates that the poll revealed
steadily increasing use for each vice as children begin to age.
This appears true with 10 through 17 year-olds. And, it seems to make little
difference whether the surroundings are in the city or country.
Dr. Ames, in the book, uses an emphasized and separate
section to try to help parents whose kids use drugs. Basically, one
shouldn't overreact when drug habits are discovered. Try to be cool and calm.
Don't accuse unless certain! Don't pry or lecture, since this may make matters
worse. Don't necessarily forbid continuing relationships before investigating.
And finally, try to convince the child that you want to be protective rather
than punitive.
Preventive help must come early in the child's life when
personalities and habits are formed. Raise the kid to have a healthy personality.
Strong relationships with parents are needed. Communicate with the child.
Talk about the evils of such vices. Involve the child in "constructive and
meaningful activities," so such vices aren't required or needed. Also,
admit that some adults have a weak character and indulge
in these vices.
"OUR ALTERNATE SELF RESPONSIBLE SOLUTION:"
If you haven't already done so, please click on The Harrison System. Immediately you will understand why System kids think for themselves, are leaders, entrepreneurs, risk takers but respectful of others rights, and are closely united with all members of their family. Vices such as smoking, drinking and doing drugs are discussed at "Family Council" meetings, along with any other prospective problem before it can get out of hand. "The one for all and all for one" concept is not just a saying to System kids. Once you've tried the System, you'll become an unchangeable believer. Any parent who doesn't want to do so can roll the dice and see what happens in the future. Hopefully, things will go as you want.
This book was written by Dr. James C. Dobson and published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Wheaton, Illinois in 1985. The information from this book has been paraphrased by Harrison to avoid copyright infringement and to provide an interpreted meaning for what Dr. Dobson has said in the book.
Who is Dr. James C. Dobson? Dr. Dobson, at the time of writing this book, was Associate Clinical Professor of Pediatrics at USC School of Medicine. He has had many best selling books to his credit. He is a psychologist; radio and TV personality; a much sought after speaker; and has appeared on many well known Talk Shows and on seminar films and tapes. In other words, he is one of the most famous of the child-care specialists available for management advice. He possesses and promotes conservative and "deeply ingrained Judeo-Christian values" which he hopes will develop principles of fidelity, loyalty, self-esteem, and back-to-basics discipline in others.
THE ROLE OF DISCIPLINE
A parent asks: What's our goal with parenting? Shouldn't we be trying to create self disciplined and self-reliant children? If this is so, tell us how your "external" approach to parenting becomes "internal control!"
Dr. Dobson
answers: Your question reveals
a misunderstanding. There are many authorities who think that
children should not be disciplined. In other words, like you, "they
want their kids to discipline themselves." As a result these kids
often fumble their way through life without the experience of either external
or internal discipline. Eventually they become the same way as adults. Self
discipline has no meaning for them. They don't yield to leadership; complete
assignments if disliked; or obey orders unless they approve of them. Dr.
Dobson believes that one can't expect any self discipline from such people
later.
Dr. Dobson also believes that proper external control
by adults, when the child is young, builds responsible behavior and
impulse control. This gradually transfers into adulthood. For
example, when the child is forced to keep a clean and neat bedroom, there
should be carryover into adulthood. However, any rascal who fails
to keep his room neat should also be allowed to "live in a dump - if
necessary."
"OUR ALTERNATE SELF RESPONSIBLE SOLUTION:"
Both the questioning parent and Dr. Dobson are correct - self discipline and self reliance should and can be taught to children in a retentive way. But, not by using management methods! Only when the child himself builds an attitude of self accountability (as a child) does all of the "SELF" attitudes follow. Such results come when the human can be trained to KNOW that he or she alone pays for mistakes with something (Points or Dollars) individually very valuable to that person. Only then will automatic "SELF"-control be achieved, observed and permanently learned - without problems, stress or work for the supervising adult. This describes the Harrison System perfectly. And, this is what our Adult World in America uses (or at least should use) to compel compliance for the democratic "rule of law." Few managers should be required or even needed for proper behavior. True SELF-management requires only the availability of knowledgeable and sought-after advisors.
A COMPARISON WITH "PARENT EFFECTIVENESS TRAINING"
A Parent asks: I've heard about "Parent Effectiveness Training" (labeled P.E.T.) being offered country-wide. What's your opinion of this?
Dr. Dobson Answers: "P.E.T." class sessions provide "worthwhile suggestions" for parental listening skills, parental negotiations, and parental tolerance. But, there are huge "flaws in Tom Gordon's philosophy." First, authority in the household is misunderstood. Second, it has a humanistic viewpoint that kids are born good and learn the bad. Third, the "teachable years" aren't adequately used by parents to build "spiritual principles."
A Parent asks: Dr. Tom Gordon's approach with "P.E.T." is different from yours - in what ways? To illustrate, Dr. Gordon frequently cites an example, such as: A parent's son places his soiled shoes on high priced furniture. Irritated parents order the removal of the shoes and perhaps some discipline. Instead, Dr. Gordon indicates that parents should "politely" handle the situation similarly to what they would if a guest in the house had done this. Then Dr. Gordon asks his audience: Children are people, aren't they? Shouldn't they be treated with the similar respect we offer to our adult guests?
Dr. Dobson
Answers: The illustration used is familiar
to Dr. Dobson. It has truth and distortion! Kindness and respect are
needed with children. But there is no comparing visiting adults with
one's children. The responsibility for manners and courtesy lie with
the parents of the children involved. Adult visitors are not within
this sphere of responsibility. Moreover adults and children don't have the
same thinking capacity or needs. The child who misbehaves may be exhibiting
the child's idea of courage to test the parents' rules or boundaries. The
adult guest may be merely ignorant or insensitive.
Dr. Dobson reveals that the example used redefines the
parent-child relationship. Parents should be responsible for leading,
teaching, and training their kids. Parents should not be
considered "co-equals" to their kids nor should they treat
them as guests.
Parents' kids aren't "casual guests" at home. Parents
are accountable for loving them and for the future values their children
assimilate.
A Parent Asks: Parental "power" and parental authority are equal - and condemned - by Dr. Gordon. Is this your opinion?
Dr. Dobson
Answers: No, it isn't my opinion. This view
remains our major difference. Dr. Gordon's written material seems to
view authority as an oppression. I don't! Although it certainly can
be so misused by some proper or improper authorities who may or may not have
selfish interests to serve. By contrast, loving authority is and should be
very necessary for healthy family functioning. The opposite causes disorder,
confusion, and chaos.
For example, indicates Dr. Dobson, I may
seem to suggest that my son should go to bed. But my
son should wisely know "who's making the suggestion" and
not disobey. Dr. Dobson reveals that he hasn't the time nor inclination
to negotiate - nor the obligation. As an authority for his son, with his
son's best interests at heart, Dr. Dobson feels he can and should expect
obedience. Moreover, such is great training for obedience to God in
later years. Such training can't be labeled hostile or vicious power
by a much bigger person.
A Parent Asks: Dr. Gordon doesn't think parents can be expected to know what's best for their kids! Dr. Dobson, do you think they can? If so, how can one be sure one has made a healthy decision?
Dr. Dobson Answers:
I'm not perfect and I can't hide it. Moreover,
my kids sometimes fall victim to this fact. Nevertheless, my
responsibilities and leadership, as a parent, must be fulfilled despite not
having perfect wisdom. At least my wisdom is based upon more experience and
"a better perspective" than the immature child's. After all, I've
been there before!
To specifically answer the question, Dr. Dobson reiterates
that he doesn't have "infinite wisdom" but his decisions come from an "intense
desire" to do right for his children as best he can. Beyond this, the
outcome is in the hands of God.
"OUR ALTERNATE SELF RESPONSIBLE SOLUTION:"
As you can readily see, by comparing Dr. Gordon's
methods with Dr. Dobson's, both techniques use "Management Methods." However,
there the similarities cease. Dr. Gordon is inclined toward utilization of
what may be and often is labeled "permissiveness," while Dr. Dobson believes
more in a type of "loving authoritarianism," wherein even non-abusive spanking
is recommended for outright willful disobeyance in the early
adolescence years. Yet, both Doctors must still be lumped together
as management advocates. So, as you already know, any and all child-management
methods automatically require great parenting skill, and,
lots of stress, work and a truckload of unsolvable problems. Moreover, the
final results are like rolling dice in Las Vegas.
Intelligent readers must face facts!
If the utilization of management methods,
as advocated by either Dr. Dobson or Dr. Gordon, stopped with the
personal harm portrayed in the previous paragraphs, the techniques should
appear to the wise reader as unusable. However, by continuing NOW to
utilize either Dr. Gordon's or Dr. Dobson's techniques to
train future citizens of a supposedly free nation like America, the reader's
actions should be considered nothing less than socially disastrous for
everybody. The reasons should seem obvious but let's be sure and restate
them. "Think-for-themselves" Children MUST permanently learn (as
they do with the Harrison System) to obey the democratic "Rule
of Law" which respects the rights of others - and not just some "Authority."
Anything less leads to mindless humans who are ripe and ready for
any clever "Dictatorship" or enticing "vice."
Furthermore, as you know, God created us with a "free will" along
with self accountability. Even He didn't expect
blind obedience - which He certainly had the power to create.
DISCIPLINE INSTRUCTIONS (The "How-To" of It)
Dr. Dobson Answers: First: Boundaries must be set and then enforced by the parent for a sense of adequate "childhood justice" to take place. Second: When and if the child exhibits defiance, the parent MUST be confidently decisive. Don't ever let the child win the battle between the adult and youngster. "Wishy-washy" parents destroy the child's confidence. Third: Make a distinction between willful defiance and a merely irresponsible child. With irresponsibility, be gentle but firm. Fourth: Instruct and reassure the child after the confrontation - use loving authority. Fifth: Don't make demands which are impossible or incapable of being fulfilled. Sixth: Use love and affection as a guide to achieve proper relationships.
"OUR ALTERNATE SELF RESPONSIBLE SOLUTION:"
Dr. Dobson's instructions for controlling children are automatically employed without work, stress, or problems when either the parent or teacher properly utilizes a program of self-management such as the Harrison System.
SPANKINGS
A Parent Asks: Since you advocate spankings, aren't you worried about child abuse?
Dr. Dobson Answers:
About that, I do worry!
It requires delicate balancing of affection, respect, and patience when
disciplining. I don't favor any mouth slapping type of authoritarianism.
I'm distressed about American child abuse today. I see and often hear
about such a thing at our hospital. Dr. Dobson states emphatically:
"I don't believe in harsh, inflexible discipline, even when it is well
intentioned." On the other hand, Dr. Dobson also doesn't believe in the
"permissive end of the spectrum." He quotes some material from a book
called "Parents on the Run" written by Marguerite and Willard Beecher who
reveal the following:
In the past, parents were masters and their kids slaves.
Today, this has been reversed. As a result, "anything goes!"
Actually, neither technique develops a "genius" child who is self-reliant.
Kids raised with "arbitrary rules" become slaves or rebels. The permissive
child is also a slave to his or her own selfishness. The child of
authoritarianism is "enslaved" by leaders upon whom they must depend. The
child of permissiveness is "enslaved" by the "pawnbroker." Society needs
neither child-rearing technique. Such children can expect "a lifetime of
unhappiness."
"OUR ALTERNATE SELF RESPONSIBLE SOLUTION:"
There you have it! Those are the facts for parents & teachers as stated by the Beechers and quoted by Dr. Dobson. SO, HOPEFULLY, YOU WON'T EVER AGAIN WANT TO USE MANAGEMENT METHODS! Instead, PLEASE utilize The Harrison System to raise "Superkids" and eliminate stress, work, and problems!